Kryptonites Basket
by NinthFeather
Summary: Crackfic. In which Chloe jumps to conclusions, Akito is the worst houseguest ever, Clark does not want to wear a dress, Tohru is different than expected, Lex's sanity is at risk, Ritsu is mistaken for a girl again and Lana joins the Prince Yuki Fan Club.
1. Part I

_A/N: Some of you may be reading my M*A*S*H/FMA crossover "A Recurring Nightmare with Popcorn", which is a serious attempt to realistically cross over the two series and look at the themes the two share. This is nothing like that. This a completely humorous, somewhat crack-ish two-shot crossover of Smallville and Furuba that was born of my purchasing a Smallville first season box set. In short, this is not to be taken seriously. At all. Smallville belongs to Warner Brothers Entertainment and was created by Alfred Gough and Miles Millar, based on the Superman comic book franchise, which was created by Jerry Siegel and Joel Shuster and belongs to DC Comics. Fruits Basket belongs to Hakusensha, Inc. and was created by Natsuki Takaya, based on the Chinese Zodiac, which was created by someone, though no one is quite sure who. Have fun!_

Kryptonites Basket, Part I

Chapter 1: Transfer Students

_(In which Chloe is paranoid and Clark is just annoyed)_

The afternoon sunlight flowed into the office that the _Torch_ called its headquarters, silhouetting the boy and girl inside and creating what could have been a very romantic scene. Unfortunately, the only romance going on at the moment was between the paper's editor, Chloe Sullivan, and her latest conspiracy theory.

Clark Kent sighed. "What is it this time, Chloe?" he asked.

Chloe looked up from her computer screen, grey eyes alight. "There are seven transfer students coming to Smallville, all with the same last name. What does that sound like to you?"

"Um, a family?" Clark said skeptically.

"A family that happens to be one of the oldest, richest, and most powerful in Japan," Chloe said. "The Sohma's total assets rival those of the Luthors! And they're about as secretive. I had to hack through, like, five firewalls just to get to their birth records!"

"Chloe! What if you get caught?"

"Are you questioning my hacking abilities?"

"No, of course not! I just don't want you to get in trou—"

"I can take care of myself, Clark. Now, listen! They left Japan—"

"Wait, they're Japanese?" Clark asked.

"I already said that," Chloe said, annoyed. "Anyhow, they left Japan in a hurry, and there's nothing in any of the papers about why."

"Chloe, I didn't know you read Japanese," Clark said, a teasing smirk on his lips.

"It's called Google Translate," Chloe said brusquely. "The Sohma family hasn't been mentioned in the news outside of honor rolls for years. Kinda strange, huh? You'd think a family that rich would make the news a little more."

"So they like their privacy," Clark said.

Chloe glared at him. "The only people who 'like their privacy' are people who have something to hide."

Clark swallowed, hard, wondering if he looked as guilty as he felt.

"Anyhow, I'm sure they're up to something," Chloe said. "And you, my friend, are going to help me find out what it is."

Clark's made a final attempt to reason with her. "Not everyone is up to something, Chloe. Can't we just give them the benefit of the doubt?"

"Giving people the benefit of the doubt doesn't get you good stories," Chloe said firmly. She glanced at her laptop. "Oh, geez, I can't believe I missed this!"

"What?" Clark asked, leaning over her shoulder.

"There's another transfer coming with them," Chloe said. "Someone named Tohru Honda, from the same town."

"Is that a guy or a girl?" Clark asked.

"Um…according to the all-knowing Internet, Tohru is a guy's name," Chloe answered. "Wonder if he has anything to do with the car company?"

* * *

Chapter 2: Foreigners

_(In which Tohru is confused by America and Clark uses his powers to carry suitcases)_

Tohru Honda tripped on the front step of the Sohma's new house, sending her suitcase, as well as those belonging to Yuki and Kyo that she'd been carrying, flying into the air.

Suddenly, all of those suitcases were in the hands of a tall, foreign boy she'd never seen before. Or, wait, he wasn't foreign here, she was, because this was his country…she was confused already.

America was a confusing country. They didn't even call it America all the time. Sometimes they called it the U.S., or the United States, or the U.S.A, or the United States of America, or just the States. Also, they called Japan "Japan" instead of _Nihon_. And none of them could pronounce her name. When their plane landed in New York, the security guard had called her Tor-uh and then made some sort of joke about a book that one read at a sin-a-gog, whatever that was. The fact that America was so confusing was why she was helping Shigure unpack, instead of going to the store with Yuki and Kyo.

And the foreigner…the native…the American guy was staring at her. "You okay?" he asked in English.

Fortunately, Tohru remembered what those words meant and nodded rapidly.

He was tanned and muscular, even more than Haru, who was the most muscular person she'd ever met. He was wearing a thick plaid shirt, beat-up jeans, and work boots. He had curly black hair that was just a little long, and eyes the same color as the sky.

She felt herself blushing, and immediately launched herself into a bow. "_Gomennasai _"

"What?" the guy asked.

Tohru blushed even more when she realized she'd been speaking in Japanese.

"Ehhhh…I am…much sorry for…boxes…" she stuttered.

"No, it's all right," the boy said quickly. "Can I help you carry them?"

Tohru cocked her head to one side, having forgotten what "carry" meant, exactly. The boy mimed lifting the boxes, and she nodded rapidly.

"Need go in…room that goes between rooms?" she said.

"You mean the hallway?"

"Hai!" Tohru exclaimed, forgetting herself. "I mean…ahhh…yes!"

The boy headed into the house ahead of her, and put the suitcases down near the door.

"Why, who are you?" Shigure asked, walking into the hallway.

"I'm Clark Kent," the boy said slowly. He seemed a bit surprised by Shigure's clothes. Tohru guessed not many people in Kansas wore traditional Japanese clothing around the house.

"And what are you doing in my house?" Shigure asked suspiciously.

"He help carry boxes!" Tohru said triumphantly, proud of her new English word.

"And is that all you do?" Shigure asked, an amused smirk on his face.

"I also give tours to people who move to town, if you're interested," Clark said.

Tohru didn't know half of the words in that sentence, but it sounded like a good thing.

"Perhaps another time," Shigure said. "We've still got a lot of unpacking to do."

"Okay," Clark said, waving and heading out the door.

"Bye!" Tohru called, recalling another English word she actually knew.

Shigure shook his head. "_Once Yuki and Kyo get back from the store, the three of you should review your English_," he said in Japanese.

Tohru nodded in agreement.

* * *

Chapter 3: Pretty Boys

_(In which Lana develops an inferiority complex and Yuki looks for the eggs)_

Lana was at the grocery store, doing some shopping for Nell, when she heard a Japanese-accented voice ask, "Excuse me, miss, do you know where I could find the eggs?"

"They're on the other side of the store, in the freezer…" she trailed off as she turned around to look at the most beautiful boy she had ever seen.

Only a certain sharpness to his features suggested that he was male at all. He had silver-grey hair that fell around his face in uneven bangs, and skin so pale and perfect that it could only be compared to porcelain. His eyes were a stunning shade of violet, the lashes surrounding them long and thick. He wore a fitted, mandarin-collared violet silk shirt and white pants and loafers. Lana had never thought of herself as ugly. But this boy was a prettier girl than she was.

She blinked when she realized he was still looking at her. "Is something the matter?" he asked.

"No…I was just…thinking…" she stammered, her cheeks heating up.

"She told us where the eggs were already, _nezumi_," another voice said. "Let's get moving."

She looked up to see a boy nearly as pretty as the silver-haired one. His appearance was slightly less girlish, but not quite masculine, either. He was tanned, and a little more visibly muscular than his companion. Both his eyes and his hair were the same vibrant shade of orange. He wore a red t-shirt, khaki cargo pants, a pair of beat-up sneakers, and a black-and-white beaded bracelet.

"Shut up, idiot," the silver-haired boy snapped, turning his head toward the tan boy. He turned back to Lana. "Thank you very much, miss. I'd like to apologize on behalf of my cousin, who is, as I previously mentioned, an idiot."

"I'll punch you through a wall!" the tanned boy snapped.

"I'd like to see you try," the silver-haired boy said with a cold smile.

"Um, if you punch him through a wall around here, you'll have to pay for it," Lana said, trying to diffuse the situation.

"She's right," the silver-haired one said.

"Shut up," the tanned one huffed.

"Thank you again for your help," the silver-haired one said as he headed toward the direction Lana had pointed him in.

"Wait! What are your names?" she called.

"I'm Yuki Sohma, and the idiot is my cousin, Kyo," the silver-haired boy answered with a wave.

"Yuki, huh?" Lana said to herself as the boys walked away.

* * *

Chapter 4: Tohru Honda

_(In which Chloe makes a number of assumptions about Tohru and Clark learns the truth about Shigure)_

As Clark walked away from helping the girl, whose name he hadn't caught, Chloe ran up to him.

"Guess what!" she urged him.

"The Sohmas are secretly a Japanese organized crime syndicate?" Clark 'guessed'.

"We don't know that for sure yet," Chloe said seriously. "Actually, I was able to find some information on Honda."

"Glad your nosiness paid off."

"Laugh now, Clark, but I'm on to something, I know it. Anyhow, turns out that Tohru Honda is the only child of Kyoko Honda, 'The Red Butterfly,' a pretty big-time gang leader in that part of Japan. The kids who are in gangs now still look up to her. His father was Katsuya Honda, who was a student teacher at Kyoko's school when he met her."

"O-kay, then," Clark said. "Sounds like a real normal family. No wonder he moved to America."

"Actually, Katsuya died of pneumonia a little while after Tohru was born, and Kyoko was killed in a car accident about two years ago. After the accident, Tohru lived with his grandfather for a while, until last year, when he listed his "home address" on his school records as a Sohma property belonging to one Shigure Sohma. Two of the Sohma transfer students, Yuki Sohma and Kyo Sohma, also list that house as their home address."

"So his friends let him move in with them?" Clark asked.

"That's the weird thing," Chloe said. "Before that point, I can't find any evidence at all that suggests that they even knew each other. None of the Sohmas were at either of the funerals."

"Okay, so maybe they met a little before he moved in," Clark suggested.

"It's possible," Chloe admitted. "But that's not all. I found something on this Japanese conspiracy website, written by a woman who divorced one of the Sohma. She claims that they erased her memory of her ex-husband."

"If they erased her memory, how does she remember it?"

"Her ex-husband told her about it, of course. And then, like, five days after he tells her, he ends up in the hospital because he 'fell' out of a window."

"Chloe, for all you know someone made all of that up," Clark said. "I was in their house. They're nice people. Give them a chance."

"You were in their house? When?"

"I helped one of them move their luggage inside. A girl, about our age."

"That could be either Kagura or Isuzu," Chloe said. "Did you see anyone else?"

"A man in his thirties with black hair, in some kind of kimono or something."

"That's Shigure, the one who owned the house Tohru lived in," Chloe said. "He's an author."

"That's cool," Clark said. "I wonder if I've read anything of his…"

"I hope not," Chloe said. "He writes some literature, but a lot of the stuff he puts out is not anything your parents would want you to read."

"He seemed really nice, though!" Clark protested.

"Looks can be deceiving," Chloe said flatly.

* * *

Chapter 5: Akito Sohma

_(In which Lex learns the true meaning of torture and Akito eventually gets tea)_

"I trust your accommodations here are to your liking," Lex Luthor said as he followed a kimono-clad young man through his mansion.

"They aren't," Akito Sohma answered. "But I wasn't expecting them to be."

Lex tried not to flinch. He'd never met someone whose gift for verbal cruelty matched his father's—until now.

"Your father hates me, after all," the Sohma head continued, almost conversationally. "But he's just jealous."

"Why would he be jealous?" Lex asked. "Our families are nearly equal in wealth."

"But he doesn't have what I have," Akito said. "He doesn't have permanence."

"Permanence?" Lex asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Long after he is dead, my banquet will continue," Akito declared. "An unchanging existence. I have it, and he can only dream of it."

_He's crazy_, Lex thought, schooling his features into an expression of removed disinterest.

Akito suddenly stopped, mid-stride, and turned to look at Lex.

"You know, you really are a freak," he said, wrinkling up his nose in a childlike expression that might have been amusing under other circumstances. "You've been bald since you were nine, right? Don't you think that's weird?"

"Of course it is," Lex said flatly, trying to ignore the part of his mind that was actually feeling the insult.

"It's unnatural," Akito said. "Don't you just feel disgusted by it, sometimes?"

"No, not really," Lex lied.

"I bet the people around you do," Akito said, his smile curling into a sneer. "I bet they look at you and think, 'How disgusting!' Even your dad does that, doesn't he? When it happened, he told me about it, and do you know how his voice sounded?"

Lex shook his head quickly, trying to ignore the seeds of doubt spreading through his mind. Was that really what they thought? When Clark and Lana looked at him, did they have to hide their disgust? What about Victoria? Was that why she had chosen his father over him?

"It sounded disgusted," Akito cackled. "Wow, you're pathetic. Even your own father can't stand how ugly you are. He must be really disappointed, to have to call such a freak his son."

Lex clenched his teeth. He needed to get away from this person, now. "Would you like something to drink?"

Akito's face suddenly became the picture of innocence. "I'll have green tea," he said, smiling widely.

Lex headed to the kitchen and tried to get his shaking hands under control.

* * *

Chapter 6: Tohru Honda, Part II

_(In which the Sohmas arrive at school and Chloe learns a lesson about jumping to conclusions)_

The next day was the transfer student's first day at Smallville High. Chloe was ecstatic.

"I know they're hiding something, and I'm going to find out what!" she insisted to Clark as they waited outside of the school for classes to start.

Pete pointed toward one of the buses. "Hey, is that them?" he asked.

"No, the big group of Japanese kids with freaky hair colors was always here," Chloe deadpanned. "Didn't you notice before?"

"Freaky hair colors" was an understatement. Clark stared as they filed out of the bus. The brown-haired girl from the previous day was there, and her appearance was normal enough, but some of the others defied explanation. She was walking between two others, one with silver hair, the other with hair the same color as a traffic cone. He was pretty sure the orange-haired one was a boy, but he wasn't sure if the silver-haired one even had a gender. Not far behind them was a blond boy wearing clothes that were a little too lacy for his gender. There was also a boy with two-toned hair—black at the tips and white at the roots, who looked like he'd left a punk band to attend school. At a distance, a girl with dark, intense eyes and jet black hair that fell nearly the whole way down her back followed them, wearing a miniskirt and tank top that couldn't possibly be allowed by the school dress code.

"Which one do you think is Honda?" Chloe whispered to Clark.

"I'd guess the one with orange hair or the one in the leather jacket with the two-tone hair," Clark said.

"Lana met the orange one at the supermarket yesterday," Chloe said. "His name is Kyo, and he's a Sohma. So is the silver-haired one, Yuki."

"So the one with black and white hair is Tohru?" Clark asked.

"That's my guess," Chloe said.

Suddenly, the brown-haired girl ran up to them, dragging Kyo and Yuki behind her.

"This is Clark, who helped yesterday with suitcases!" she said excitedly.

"Thank you very much for your help," Yuki said, in nearly flawless English.

"You're welcome?" Clark said awkwardly, unused to such formality.

"I hope we have same classes!" the girl said.

"I'd like that," Clark said with a smile. She really was a cute girl, and her enthusiasm about everything was endearing. "By the way, I never did catch your name?"

"Catch?" Tohru asked. "What you do with baseball?"

"It's an expression," Chloe explained with a laugh. "He wants to know your name."

"Oh, I forgot to say yesterday!" the girl cried, looking flustered. "I am much—"

"Very," Kyo corrected, sounding tired.

"I am very sorry!" the girl continued. "My name is Honda Tohru—I mean, Tohru Honda. I am pleased to meet you!"

Clark and Chloe stared.

"What is your name?" Tohru asked, turning to Chloe.

Chloe opened her mouth, but no words came out.

"Is something wrong?" Tohru asked obliviously.

* * *

Chapter 7: Black Haru

_(In which Black Haru appears and Clark is confused)_

Around fifth period, Clark heard a loud crash coming from the other side of the school. Without hesitating, he used his speed to get there within seconds, only to find one of the Sohmas trashing the ninth-grade math room. Very literally, as it appeared he'd kicked the trashcan across the room, and its contents had spilled all over the desks.

The entire class was cowering in the hallway.

"What happened?" Clark asked.

"I don't know," one of the students said.

"It's like he just went crazy," another chimed in.

"He's gone black," a young-sounding voice said. Clark recognized its owner as another of the Sohma, the blond who was fond of lace.

"Haru's usually really nice," the boy continued. "But when he gets really upset, he gets like this. We call it his "black" side."

"Thank you, um…" Clark started.

"Momiji," the boy supplied, smiling brilliantly.

"How do you snap him out of it?" Clark asked.

"It varies. Usually he just needs time to calm down," Momiji said. "If you can, it would be good to get him out of there before he really destroys the room."

Clark, surveying the damage that was already there, wondered what constituted "really."

"Be careful, though, he's really good at martial arts," Momiji cautioned.

"I will," Clark said, stepping into the classroom.

Immediately, Haru's fist was flying toward his face. He caught it with ease.

"Are you trying to get me to eat a burger too?" Haru snarled.

Clark didn't even bother trying to figure out what that was supposed to mean. "Calm down. You're destroying the classroom. I promise that you won't have to…eat a burger…if you don't want to."

Haru blinked. "Well, in that case…." He suddenly looked around the room. "Did Kagura come through here?"

"Who's Kagura?" Clark asked.

"A relative," Haru said absently. "She loves people with all her might. Lots of doors get broken."

Clark wondered if he'd broken the Japanese boy. He was talking nonsense.

"Yay!" Momiji suddenly exclaimed, running into the room. "Haru's back to normal!"

"Oh, did I go black just now?" Haru asked.

"Yep!" Momiji told him. "You broke the classroom!"

"Huh," Haru said thoughtfully. "Guess I have to clean it up, don't I?"

"We heard Haru went black again…Clark, why are you here?" Yuki asked, walking into the room. Kyo followed him, scowling.

"He calmed Haru down!" Momiji declared.

"I'm impressed," Yuki said.

"Hmph," Kyo said. "It's not that hard."

"Then why can't you do it?" Yuki asked. "Oh, that's right, you're an idiot."

"I'm going to hit you so hard…" Kyo said, lunging at him.

Yuki stepped out of the way, then launched a high kick at Kyo's back. The orange-haired boy slammed into the wall, then fell backwards, revealing that his impact had left a dent.

"You didn't break the wall this time, Yuki," Haru said. "Getting lazy?"

"I didn't feel like going all out today," Yuki said nonchalantly, tucking one of the longer strands of his hair behind his ear.

"Someday, it's going to be me kicking you through walls," Kyo grumbled as he got up.

Yuki smiled, but there was no warmth in it. "That will never happen."

The two walked away, still bickering.

"What was that?" Clark asked.

"Yuki and Kyo hate each other," Haru said. "They always have. It's only thanks to Tohru that they can live in the same house without killing each other."

"Aren't they cousins, though?" Clark asked.

"Just because they're cousins doesn't mean they get along," Momiji said. "You should see Aya-san and Yuki. They're brothers, but they can't get along at all!"

Haru looked around the wrecked classroom. "I'm going to get a mop," he announced.

Clark watched him leave, then asked Momiji, "Why would he get so upset about eating burgers? Is he a vegetarian?"

"Something like that," Momiji said.


	2. Part II

_A/N: Welcome to Part II! Enjoy!_

Kryptonites Basket, Part II

Chapter 8: Dresses

_(In which Chloe falls victim to Ayame and Mine's creative vision and Clark is disturbed)_

Chloe Sullivan was walking home from a much-needed coffee break when she heard someone shout, "Look at her!"

"Oh, Mine-san, your judgment is impeccable," another voice gushed. "I can absolutely picture her as a young English lady who is awaiting her coming-out party with bated breath. We must have her try it on!"

Suddenly, she felt someone grab her, and she found herself staring into a pair of glowing eyes that were obscured by large, perfectly round glasses.

A voice that reminded her of the last cheesy horror movie she'd seen hissed into her ear, "Do you like to dress up?"

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Clark heard Chloe's scream just as he was finishing up the repairs on the fence near the house. Within seconds, he was in town, in front of the store where the scream had come from. He threw open the door and was met with a truly shocking sight.

Chloe Sullivan, editor of the _Torch_ and aspiring investigative reporter, was wearing a ridiculously frilly pink dress. It had puffed sleeves, a baby-doll collar, lace accents on the bodice, and about five lacy petticoats beneath the skirt that caused it to puff out around her, making her look like a Chloe cupcake. A white apron was tied on over the skirt, her hair was pulled into pigtails by twin, pink, lace-edged ribbons, and her feet were covered by pink knee socks and white Mary Janes with little bows on the straps. The look on her face could only be described as horrified. Until she noticed Clark's presence, at which point it switched to something closer to humiliated.

Clark felt like he should be a supportive friend and tell her that it didn't look that bad. But Chloe spent most of her time making fun of his crush on Lana and it was time for some payback. He burst out laughing.

"Clark Kent, I am going to kill you!" Chloe shrieked.

"How?" Clark chuckled. "Are you going to pink me to death? Or strangle me with the lacy ribbons?"

"Shut up!" Chloe huffed.

"I wish I had a camera!" Clark laughed. "We could use the pictures for your byline in the _Torch_!"

"Not to worry!" a voice announced. "In order to commemorate the momentous occasion of our first creation of a masterpiece in Kansas, we have taken plentiful photos and shall, without fail, distribute them among your friends!"

The voice belonged to a man, who, judging by his Asian features, his odd hair color, and the fact that Clark was not entirely sure he was male, was probably a Sohma. His hair was white, like an old man's, but he seemed to be no older than his twenties or thirties. Besides its odd color, his hair was incredibly long, reaching nearly to the backs of his knees. He wore a Chinese-style shirt that hugged his figure over a pair of silk pants. Both were colored bright green.

"I don't have any friends who aren't traitors!" Chloe spat, glaring bullets at Clark.

"In which case, we'll have to keep the pictures, won't we, Boss?" another voice asked.

This one belonged to a young woman wearing, of all, things, a maid outfit, with nearly as many petticoats as Chloe's dress and an incredibly lacy white apron. Her hair was in two French braids on either side of her face, and she wore large, round glasses.

The white-haired man's eyes widened. "No! I have a far better idea. Rather than put to waste the exquisite beauty that is created by the combination of this young woman's loveliness and our own surpassingly gorgeous fashion designs by selfishly keeping them to ourselves, we must share that beauty with the whole world by putting those photographs on sale in this very store! Yes, by sharing their beauty with the whole town, we shall spread beauty, love, and fanboy dreams across the Earth!"

Clark was beginning to feel a bit dizzy.

"Wait, you can't sell those without my permission!" Chloe shrieked.

"She's right, Boss," the maid-girl agreed.

"Very well," the white-haired man said, visibly deflated. "When I have printed the pictures, I shall give them to….um…this young man here!"

"Okay," Clark said. _Blackmail!_ He thought.

The man looked him over a second time. "Would you also like to try on one of our unsurpassed creations? There's a particular one I have in reserve that I'm convinced would suit you wonderfully."

"Um…what does it look like?" Clark asked nervously.

"Mine, go get "that one"!" the white-haired man said.

"The one we had Honda-san wear?" Mine asked, confused.

"No, the one I made last week," the man said.

"Oh, "that one"!" Mine said, running toward the back of the store.

Suddenly, the man was right in front of Clark, his face inches from Clark's own. "I don't believe I know your name," he said, looking at Clark appraisingly.

"I'm Clark Kent," Clark said, backing up slowly.

"Ah, you are the one who so graciously helped Miss Honda carry my beloved brother's luggage into their new abode!" the man exclaimed. "Surely, chivalry is not dead! My name, my dear Clark, is Ayame Sohma, and I am the proprietor of this shop, where we sell dreams! For, after all, what is clothing if not dreams brought into physical form and stitched together with the thread of our love for one another?"

"Here it is!" Mine cried, running up to them with a gigantic bundle of blue fabric in her arms.

"Show him, Mine!" Ayame commanded.

Mine unfurled the bundle, revealing a floor-length, Victorian-style gown covered in lace and ribbons.

"Are you sure you have the right one?" Clark asked. "I am a guy, you know."

"Yes, and so was the person who ordered this lovely piece!" Ayame gushed. "It's a pity that he was killed in a boating accident before he was able to wear it, but, as Shigure often says, _Qué será, será!_ What will be, will be! Perhaps it was fate that caused the engine on his boat to explode, in order to allow you to wear this masterpiece, which is, in my opinion, much better suited to you than it ever was to him. The color blue simply did not look well on him…"

Clark was, in that moment, more grateful for his super-speed than he had ever been in his life.

* * *

Chapter 9: They're All Insane

_(In which Lex and Clark have a conversation that has nothing to do with their mutual destiny or foreshadowing)_

That evening, Clark decided to go to the coffee shop in town, and, to his surprise, he found Lex there as well.

Lex glanced up at him. "Clark, would you mind having a houseguest for a little while? If you just get this person out of my house, I will do whatever you want. I'll pay off what your family owes on your farm; I'll pay your college tuition; I'll put out a hit on Whitney Fordman; I don't care. I just want Akito Sohma out of the mansion!"

"Sohma?" Clark asked. "One of them's staying with you?"

"The head of the family," Lex said grimly. "My father and the Sohmas go way back. So he asked me to play host to Akito." His voice became steadily more acidic as he went on. "The man is the worst houseguest I have ever had. He's not satisfied with anything I do, and when he gets bored, he starts playing with my mind. It's like living with my father again, only Akito's temper is even worse."

"One of his relatives trashed the ninth grade math room today because someone offered him a burger," Clark told him. "And another one apparently kicks his cousin through walls on a semi-regular basis."

"Trust me, Akito's still worse," Lex said with a sigh. "I caught him trying to push one of the servants out of a third-floor window because his tea was cold."

"Really?"

"And the other Sohmas who came with him didn't even blink. It was like they were used to it."

"Okay, that's a little scary. I'm beginning to think the whole family is a bunch of nutjobs."

"Are the others that bad?"

"The ones I met are. One's an author who writes the kind of stuff I wouldn't read, and the other two that live at his house are constantly trying to kill each other. There's a boy who's in tenth grade but looks and acts more like a ten-year-old girl, and another who I'm pretty sure has multiple personalities. There's also a girl who keeps staring at everyone like she's going to kill them, and, oh yeah, the grown man with knee-length white hair who tried to put me in a dress."

"Wow."

"Sorry, it's been a long day," Clark apologized.

"Maybe this is just a really bad dream," Lex suggested weakly.

"Yeah, when we wake up tomorrow, they'll probably be gone," Clark agreed.

* * *

Chapter 10: Prince Yuki

_(In which Lana joins the Prince Yuki Fan Club and Whitney is displeased)_

The next morning, Yuki had a bad feeling as soon as he got off of the bus. Sure enough, he was met with the sight of a number of girls, all wearing shirts with "Prince Yuki Fan Club: Smallville Chapter" painted on them in a shade of violet that was probably supposed to resemble his eyes.

"Here we go again," Kyo muttered. Yuki found himself in the unfamiliar position of agreeing with the idiot cat.

"We love you, Yuki!" all the girls screamed at once.

Yuki winced at the combination of high volume and high pitch.

Suddenly, he noticed the crowd of girls parting, letting through a blond boy in a football jacket. The boy stormed past almost all of the girls, until he got to a black-haired one that Yuki vaguely remembered meeting at the supermarket.

"Lana!" the boy yelled. "What are you doing?"

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

From the sidelines, Chloe chuckled. "Looks like you've got even more competition, Clark."

"I'll have those pictures in a few days," Clark said irritably.

Chloe blanched and closed her mouth.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"It's just that, you know, he's really pretty, and, I mean, pretty things ought to be appreciated," Lana stuttered.

"But you have a boyfriend!" Whitney roared, feeling anger building in his chest. "Me!"

"Maybe I don't want you as a boyfriend anymore!" Lana shouted.

A collective gasp rose from the crowd. Lana and Whitney were breaking up. It was a sign of the Apocalypse.

Whitney fought the urge to slap her and instead turned on Yuki.

"This is all your fault!" he screamed.

"I had nothing to do with it," the Japanese boy said calmly. "In fact, I'd prefer it if they stopped."

"I don't believe you!" Whitney yelled, taking a step forward, fists clenched.

Yuki didn't even flinch. "That doesn't change the fact that it's true."

"SHUT UP!" Whitney yelled, swinging at Yuki's face.

Yuki grabbed Whitney's fist before it could connect and twisted it behind his back. Whitney grunted in pain as Yuki pulled him backwards until his ear was right next to Yuki's mouth.

"I didn't mean to cause problems between you and your girlfriend, but if you continue to attack me, I will fight back," Yuki whispered icily. "And I will hurt you. Do you understand?"

Whitney cursed and brought his foot down, hard, on Yuki's. Yuki's grip loosened enough to let him slip away, so he did. But before he could even turn to face his opponent, he felt the side of Yuki's hand slamming into his ribcage. As Whitney turned, Yuki extended his leg, kicking him in the stomach and sending him, reeling, into the crowd.

Lana caught him. That was probably the most embarrassing thing.

* * *

Chapter 11: Kagura

_(In which Kagura shows up and Kyo gets beaten up)_

At lunch, Clark, Chloe and Pete sat together, while Pete attempted to give Clark relationship advice.

"Look, Clark, now that Whitney and Lana are fighting, you have a chance," Pete said. "You've got to make your move."

"But she's obsessed with Yuki, and I'm not him," Clark said.

Suddenly, Yuki was seated beside him.

"Neither am I," he said.

Chloe, Clark, and Pete stared.

"The Yuki they're in love with isn't actually me, it's the idea of me," Yuki said. "If you're interested in her, you should at least try. She'll be better off with you than with that idiot Whitney, that's for sure."

"Whitney's not that bad…" Clark started.

"You don't have to stand up for him, Clark," Chloe said.

Then, there was a single, loud voice that drowned out all of the chatter in the cafeteria. "KYO-KUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!" a female voice yelled.

"KAGURA!" Kyo exclaimed.

"I JUST MISSED YOU SOOOO MUCH THAT I HAD TO COME AND SEE YOU!" Kagura shouted, running at him. Kyo, in response, started running away.

"WHY ARE YOU RUNNING AWAY FROM ME?" Kagura yelled.

"BECAUSE EVERY TIME YOU SEE ME, YOU BEAT ME UP!" Kyo yelled back.

A couple of the jocks started laughing. "What, Kyo, can't fight off a little girl?"

Then, Kagura caught him. And started beating him to a pulp. The jocks got quiet.

"Shouldn't we do something?" Clark asked frantically.

"He's very resilient," Yuki said calmly. "Besides, it's impolite to interfere in the love lives of others."

"That's love?" Clark choked out.

* * *

Chapter 12: High School Girls

_(In which Shigure is perverted and Hatori does damage control)_

"I'd better find Kagura," Shigure said absently, walking down the high school's hallway.

A group of girls walked past him, and he abrubtly changed directions, singing "High school girls, high school girls," under his breath.

Principal Kwan found him wandering the halls three hours after Kagura had left. "Mr. Sohma, what are you doing in my school?"

"Admiring the high school girls, of course," Shigure said cheerily.

Principal Kwan was too dumbfounded by the combination of his tactless honesty and his perversion to respond.

"Shigure!" Hatori called, coming down the hall. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Admiring the—" Shigure started.

"I do not want to hear it," Hatori said.

"But you asked…" Shigure whined.

"That's because I thought perhaps I would get a sensible answer. That was foolish of me."

"Ahh, don't you love me anymore?"

"You disgust me."

Principal Kwan was finally able to stutter out, "Wha…"

Hatori sighed deeply. "I'm sorry, but I can't allow you to call the police on Shigure," he said briskly. "As much as I believe he deserves it, it would tarnish the Sohma name and Akito would hold me responsible. So I'm afraid your memories of this encounter will have to be surpressed."

He placed his hand over the principal's eyes for a few seconds, then pulled it away. As Kwan slumped to the ground, Hatori headed toward the door.

"Come on, Shigure," he said impatiently.

"I'm coming, I'm coming," Shigure called, running after him.

* * *

Chapter 13: The Perils of Hot Foreign Girls

_(In which Pete makes a mistake and Ritsu apologizes profusely)_

Pete was disappointed. He'd hoped at least one of the transfer students would be a hot girl. Instead, he got Yuki, who was a hot guy who happened to look like a girl. Not that the female Sohmas weren't good-looking. They were. They just weren't…Pete's type.

That is to say that Isuzu/Rin was a little too angry for him, not to mention that Multiple Personality Boy, Pete's nickname for Haru, clearly had a thing for her. Kagura was obviously stuck on Kyo, not to mention that she was scary and he was pretty sure what she did to Kyo was abuse. The only other girl was one of the middle schoolers.

So, he'd been reduced to wandering the streets of Smallville when he could have been on a hot date with an exotic, Japanese chick. It was just depressing.

He was so lost in thought that he didn't see where he was going and ended up bumping into someone.

"OH MY GOODNESS I AM SO SORRY! ARE YOU HURT AT ALL? BECAUSE IF YOU ARE I WILL PAY THE MEDICAL BILLS AND ACCEPT ANY CRIMINAL PENALTIES MY ACTIONS MAY HAVE MERITED! I DON'T KNOW CAN YOU GET ARRESTED FOR BUMPING INTO SOMEONE ON THE STREET? AT ANY RATE I'M SO SORRY!"

Pete looked up and saw a woman with reddish-gold hair, wearing a kimono and an expression of horror.

"It's all right, we're cool," Pete said calmly. "I wasn't looking where I was going."

"Oh," the woman said, taking a deep breath. "I am very sorry, though."

"You don't have to keep apologizing," Pete said.

"It's a bad habit," the woman admitted.

"My name's Pete Ross," Pete said. "What's yours?"

"I'm Ritsu Sohma," she said.

"Oh, some of your relatives go to my school," Pete said.

"Yes, they seem to be enjoying it there," Ritsu said.

Pete took a deep breath. "This may seem a little forward of me, but are you free tonight?"

Ritsu stared at him for a few seconds. She looked at him, then down at her clothing. Then, her eyes widened and her face turned red. She stared at the pavement and whispered, "I'm not a woman."

"Excuse me?" Pete said slowly.

"I'm not a woman," Ritsu repeated, more loudly. "I wear women's clothing because it makes me feel less anxious."

Pete stood there for a few seconds, turned bright red, ran in the opposite direction, and vowed to himself that he would never speak of this to anyone.

"I'M SO SORRY!" Ritsu called after him.

* * *

Chapter 14: Miscalculation

_(In which Lex avoids Akito and Hiro receives a job offer)_

In an effort to avoid Akito, Lex found himself spending most of his time in the coffee shop. He was just coming back to his work after taking a phone call outside when he heard someone say, "Your math is wrong."

"Excuse me?" Lex asked.

A middle school-aged boy with dark brown hair and sharp eyes stared at him from a nearby chair. "Your math is wrong. You forgot to carry a four about two pages back, and, as a result, your final figure is off by at least two grand, if not more."

"Were you looking at my private documents without my permission?" Lex asked slowly. "Because I'm pretty sure I can have you arrested for that."

"Have fun explaining to the police that a middle schooler found a mistake in your math," the boy smirked. "Won't that look good on the front page of the paper?"

"The front page?" Lex asked. "I hardly think the arrest of a juvenile delinquent would merit that sort of coverage."

"In case you haven't figured it out already, I'm a Sohma," the boy said. "My family has as much money and power as yours. We just don't throw it around as much. If I wanted to, I could have any news outlet anywhere say whatever I wanted it to about you."

"Unless, of course, I got to them first," Lex pointed out.

"They're used to being paid off by you. If I did it, they'd see it as an opportunity to build relations with the Sohma. They're so used to your money, they take it for granted. It won't occur to them that you might stop paying them if they went against you."

"I think you underestimate the respect that the news media have for me."

"I think you overestimate it. No one respects rich people. They just pay them lip service and laugh at them behind their backs."

Lex was about to make another smart remark in return, when it occurred to him that he was arguing, on an equal level, with a middle schooler. An incredibly bright middle schooler who was Japanese, but spoke English like a native. A middle schooler with considerable potential who had no company loyalties yet.

"Let's call this one a draw," Lex said with a smile, pulling out a business card. "Call me when you're a little older."

For a moment, childish surprise showed on the kid's face, before he carefully schooled his features to seem unconcerned. "I will, unless I get a better offer," he said slowly.

* * *

Chapter 15: Revelations

_(In which major secrets from both series are inadvertently revealed, and no one really cares)_

Clark knocked on the door of the Sohma's house, a plate cradled in one hand. "My mom baked you guys some cookies," he called.

"One minute!" Tohru called back. "Let me put away mop!"

Clark wondered if she was confusing her English words again or if she was really mopping. His question was answered when she opened the door, still wearing rubber gloves, rain boots, and a handkerchief tied around her hair. The floor beneath her boots was still wet.

"Sorry, was cleaning," she said. "Thank your mother for the cookies. I am sure they will be much…erm…very good!"

"You're welcome," Clark told her. "I'll tell Mom you said that."

Tohru smiled broadly at him.

"Hey Tohru, who is it?" Kyo called from within the house.

"Clark," Tohru called back.

"Tell him to wait for a minute, okay?" Kyo called. "I need to ask him about the assignment for Health class."

Tohru looked at Clark hopefully, and he nodded. Meanwhile, Kyo emerged from one of the rooms in the hallway and began running toward them.

Tohru's eyes widened, and she turned toward him. "Go slow!" she cautioned. "Is wet!"

"Wet?" Kyo asked, just as he hit a wet patch and slid down the corridor, straight into Tohru.

The air suddenly filled with bright orange smoke, and, when it cleared, Tohru was holding a cat the exact same color as Kyo's hair, and Kyo's clothes were in a pile on the hallway floor, while Kyo himself was nowhere to be found. Tohru put the cat down gently and turned to Clark with worried eyes.

Clark, meanwhile, having lived in Smallville this long, had gotten used to weird things, and wasn't about to bother with this one unless he thought it was meteor-shower-related or a threat. Well, Tohru seemed more worried than surprised, indicating that this had happened before and was probably not related to meteor rocks, since the Sohmas had only been here three days now. And as far as a threat, what exactly could a cat do? Claw someone's eyes out?

Clark's pondering was disturbed by yet another puff of orange smoke, in which the cat disappeared and a naked and blushing Kyo reappeared.

Clark blinked and decided now was a good time to leave, but Tohru grabbed his sleeve.

"Don't tell anyone," she said seriously.

"…Don't worry. I'm going to do my best to forget this ever happened," Clark said, feeling dazed. There was a naked guy who had been a cat five seconds ago sitting right in front of him. This deserved its own separate Wall of Weird.

Tohru let go of his sleeve and he left as quickly as he could.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The wind from Clark leaving nearly blew off Tohru's handkerchief. She'd never seen someone run so fast. She wondered if it was part of being from Kansas.

* * *

Epilogue

_(In which Lex smiles and Ren throws pottery)_

A week later, Chloe looked up from her coffee to see Lex walking into the coffee shop with a gigantic smile on his face. Which was not only a rare sight but a slightly scary one.

"He's gone!" Lex practically crowed.

"Who is?" Chloe asked.

"Akito Sohma!" Lex exclaimed. "He and all of the Sohma got on a plane back to Japan this morning!"

"Congratulations on having your unnecessarily large house all to yourself again," Chloe said. "But if they were only going to stay for this long, why did they bother buying houses and transferring schools?"

"I don't know and I don't care," Lex said. "If I never see Akito again, it will be too soon."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Back in Japan, Ren Sohma was throwing a fit. Fortunately, the maids had gotten quite good at dodging pottery during their careers at the Sohma estate.

"Why did that child move to America when I expressly forbid it?" Ren screamed, hurling a particularly nice vase at one maid's head.

"I believe, ma'am, that that is why she did it," one of the maids said quietly. She was rewarded by a teapot hitting her squarely in the left shoulderblade.

_A/N: I hope you enjoyed this. By the way, I know the last scene with Lex was extremely OOC, but you have to figure that spending a week in the same house with Akito would make anyone OOC. I hope that if you liked this, you'll take the time to review. Thanks!_


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